The Trap of Worrying About Opinions
If I do this, what will people say, what will people think, and what if they attack me or abandon me?
These questions constantly run through our minds. But living by others’ opinions only leads to misery.
A Story About the Father, Son, and Donkey
Once upon a time, a father and his son were going somewhere on foot while their skinny donkey was also walking with them. On their way, people were saying, how foolish this father and son are—they are walking while they have a donkey beside them, and they can ride on it. Listening to people, they rode on their skinny donkey. People, watching the father and son riding on their skinny donkey, now said, how cruel this father and son are. They are riding on this skinny donkey. It cannot carry two persons’ load. Listening to people, the father, leaving his son on the donkey, got off the donkey. Still, people were saying, as the father is a senior person, he should not get off the donkey, he should be on the donkey and the son should get off. Listening to them, they altered their position. Now the father was riding on the donkey and the young son was walking. Now, guess what people were saying? Yes, you are right, people were saying the father is a selfish person. Listening to people, the father became very ashamed. Then they both got off the donkey and started carrying the donkey. So, once a beautiful journey ended up in great miseries because of listening to people who were not in relevant fields.
Do We Still Do the Same Today?
Yes. Even though we no longer ride donkeys, we drive cars nowadays. And we have privacy, we do not need to expose ourselves to others. But we still live by others’ judgments. We all have some friends, relatives, and office colleagues who constantly advise us. We should have done this, we should not have done this. If not, we go to them, ask for their opinion, and seek validation. Most of them may not have any expertise in that, but still, they advise us, and we try to obey them in our conscious or subconscious mind. Still cannot relate the story to you? What are you wearing today, is this trendy? So, who makes your clothes trendy? Is it not the people who say, this is good clothes to wear, you will look beautiful in these clothes?
The Need for Validation
Have you heard a question, when an interior decorator asks, “What do you want, do you want to stay good, or do you want your room to look good?” Surprisingly, the number of people who want their house to look good is much higher.
Can you answer a question? What would you prefer to be: a very intelligent person, or a person whom everyone considers intelligent? If we make the question more meaningful by modifying it a little bit: What would you prefer to be, a very successful person, or a person whom everyone considers successful?
Don’t rush to answer the questions. Wait and hold the question for a time. The answer will come automatically.
If you can sum up your tasks of the last day, you can see how many of them were because of what other people think, say, and do. If you are one of us, probably more than sixty percent of the tasks you did were because you wanted to show something to someone, probably you wanted to prove yourself to someone. Maybe not a particular person, but to the people around you.
Real Success vs. Looking Successful
By this time, maybe you have understood that we actually need to be successful from our inner self, but most of the time we work to be successful in the eyes of others. We need to be really successful rather than just look successful.
Aren’t these two the same? Let’s make it clear with an example. Let’s assume, on a fine morning you bought a property of 2 million with a loan behind this, and you have to pay an extra 1 million as interest. On the other hand, you bought a property where the price is not that much, say 1 million, but you have no loan against it, which means you are free. So, you look successful in the first case, but in the second case you actually become successful.
Why Do You Follow People’s Opinions
It’s not all your fault. We spend very little time for ourselves, and we grow up without knowing what we actually need. As we don’t know, society then imposes its theory of need on us. And we start to obey this by considering it as true as the sun. .
We feel unhappy when we are not appreciated, when we are misunderstood. We become sad if someone criticizes us.We become extremely sad if someone says something wrong to us in an inappropriate way.
If you see all of the tasks you do are only because you wanted to, then you are not an ordinary man, or you are not aware of what you do every day. Deep down, we crave praise, recognition, and validation. We have the desire or expectation to get praise from everyone around us. We expect they will be convinced by our intelligence, they will be surprised: How intelligent the person is, how successful the person is, how big a family he has come from.
We want validation when we are not clear about ourselves. If we become totally clear, we will realize what we actually want, what we are doing, and how well we are performing. We probably won’t seek validation.
Save Yourself from The Danger of Validation
Validation from people feels good, but it’s often false. Driving yourself by the validation of people is the beginning of your own destruction. Never ask for people’s validation unless you need it for a real purpose.
We actually want some name and fame and also some validations. Name and fame are like sex. They are needs, created in you by evolution, which have no real value, but your body and mind feel urges for them, so you cannot suppress them. Understand the difference between name and fame and validation. Acquire some knowledge to get popularity and discover what you actually want. Realize how well you are doing by comparing yourself with your earlier self, and completions of your weekly, monthly, and yearly targets may protect you from becoming the easy target of seeking validations.
Why do people comment on our activity?
“The human brain is a volcano of opinions. It spews out viewpoints and ideas nonstop. No matter whether the questions are relevant or irrelevant, answerable or unanswerable, complex or simple—the brain tosses out answers like confetti.”
From the book The Art of the Good Life by Rolf Dobelli.
You know yourself better than anyone
Realization of how well you are doing, and whether you are on the track or not, is a difficult task.
Because of evolution, delayed gratification is always underestimated. If you judge yourself on the basis of others’ comments, they’ll never be able to see the progress—especially when you are in progress, your development is under construction. Progress happens slowly, very slowly, so understanding progress when compared to the past is also difficult, as the path is new to you, and you don’t know if it is taking you to your destination or not. But if you can follow or copy, you will have an idea if you are on track or not. Again, if you are seeking others’ opinions and they make you stop, then you will be on the losing side. So, the ability to avoid others’ opinions is one of the keys to success.
You know yourself better than anyone, even better than your mom or wife, so rely on yourself. If you have two scorecards—an inner scorecard and an outer scorecard—be satisfied if you have a higher score in your inner scorecard.
How to avoid people’s opinions
We follow people’s opinions and care too much when we are not clear about what we are doing. So, making yourself clear, setting the goals you actually want, and tracking the progress by journaling can help you to avoid people’s opinions. Practicing gratitude is also a great tool by which you can make your mind so strong that you can convince yourself that you do not need to think about what other people think, say, and do.
Final Thought
You know yourself better than anyone else. Rely on that knowledge.
Stop living for approval.
Stop carrying the donkey.
Live your own life.
