Three Stories, Three Minds
Lucy: Disappointed Despite a Raise
Lucy is looking at the salary message on her mobile. Her account has been credited with her salary. Lucy got a salary hike of 8k. She was expecting it to be at least 10k. So, she is upset because she worked really hard this year. Everyone above her was very satisfied with her. So, she thought it would be very natural to get an increase of 10k in her salary. But when she did not get this certain amount, she could not manage herself to become free from being upset. She knew 8k is not a low amount for her, and 10k is not far from it, although she does not know why she is feeling upset.
Oliver: Joy from the Unexpected
Oliver got a salary hike of 2k by the end of this month. She is extremely happy. She needs this salary hike very much. As the rent of her house increased by 500, she thought a salary increase of 1k would be enough for her. Also, Mr. Arwin, the owner of her company, is not in a good financial position to increase her salary. She did not expect any salary hike this year. But when she got the salary message on her mobile, she was extremely happy. It is beyond her expectations.
Drizilla: Lost in Hopelessness
Drizilla, after her separation from her ex, loses all her expectations from the world. She does a job but is not attentive to it. She does not even try. As a result, after spending a couple of years doing this job, she has no improvement. She was passing the last year with fear and anxiety. She might lose her job. Finally, today she lost her job.
When Drizilla met Lucy
Drizilla went to see Lucy, as she thought that since Lucy also got separated, she might be doing a job like her. But when Drizilla met Lucy, she saw that unlike her, Lucy is not a frustrated girl. She is extremely optimistic and hardworking, and also doing very well. She got a salary hike today when Drizilla lost her job.
The Role of Expectations in Emotions
We can see from the above three different stories: all are having emotions—one is sad, one is happy, and another one is frustrated. Expectations are playing a vital role here. When the reality is not different, because of expectations they are experiencing different emotions.
“If we can manage our expectations, we will be free from fear, anxiety and worry and will be happy and peaceful. But keep in mind, being free from expectations is also an expectation.”
Expectations Are Everywhere
We all have expectations in every action of our life. We open a tap and expect water to come out. We press a switch and expect the light to turn on. We expect we will never fall sick. We will be perfect. We will do nothing but we will have everything. We will eat a lot but our body will be in shape. We expect our partner will be perfect and do all the nice things for us. Our friends and surroundings will always be nice to us. Our job will be perfect.
If we ask ourselves a question—is this realistic?—the answers will bring us to the present and to reality, and will make us free from sadness, upset, fear, and worry.
The Trap of Unrealistic Expectations
In reality, things do not always happen as we expect them to. And because things don’t go according to our expectations, we become sad or upset. It’s not always because we are lazy. It’s most of the time because our expectations are wrong. It’s not reality. Maybe it is based on assumptions. We unconsciously, because of misconceptions, set up unrealistic goals and expectations that lead not to achievement, but to frustration.
Root Causes of Unrealistic Expectations
Expectations are often formed in our minds by the surroundings and our imaginations. The things we expect to happen are based on imagination and assumptions. These imaginations are often biased by incidents that have happened or are happening around us. We make analogies with those incidents and expect similar things to happen to us. We forget that those incidents, those people, and their backgrounds are not the same as ours. We take assumptions from those incidents but consider them reality. All these together create false expectations. We set unrealistic goals. Our fear of failure and worries increase. Eventually, we end up far from achieving our goals, as well as far from peace and happiness.
Building Realistic Expectations
if we understand and set our expectations based on reality, then the probability of achieving them becomes high. When we understand the world as it is, we know that no matter if we lose or win, the journey towards the goal does matter. We become grateful to the universe.
We know everything that happens to us happens for a reason. We know it’s okay if we forget to do something. It’s okay if we make mistakes. It’s okay if we fail. It’s okay if we lose. It’s okay if we fall into trouble. It’s okay if we are not appreciated or are misunderstood. It’s okay if we see our boss or partner being irrational. It’s okay if we are not perfect. It’s okay if the world is imperfect.
“It’s okay” does not mean we won’t react. “It’s okay” means it happens in the real world. “It’s okay” means we love ourselves and we don’t hurt ourselves because of others’ faults or even our own. “It’s okay” means we will do if we can, we will let go if we cannot, and if we can’t do either, we will surrender. Everything will change in time.
Do We Need to Become a Monk?
No, unless that’s your path.
Becoming a monk is a choice. If anybody wants to be one, it’s up to them. But if we want to be free from the bad impact of expectations, we do not need to be a monk.
What should we do?
We need to understand what is going on in our mind. What do we actually expect from the world? We need to realize the world as it is, figuring out all the illusions hiding in our mind. The world is not our mind. The real world is changing every moment; humans are evolving. If we are watering an apple plant and expecting blueberries, this won’t happen. Fixing this in our mind does not require any special activity. All we need is to notice them.
Now, clearly examine all of your expectations. Find where these expectations are coming from. Ask your mind some questions about these expectations: Are these true? What are the assumptions behind your expectations? Write down all your answers on a note paper. You will have clarity in your mind about expectations in time.
Some Other Mental Tools for Managing Expectations
Introduce Expectation Scale
This simple technique helps make your expectations realistic.
Imagine an outcome from the job you’ve done.
Give it a score out of 100.
Finalize your expectations by subtracting 20 from that score.
Make yourself happy if you achieve 60% of your expectations.
Example:
You expect a 10k salary hike and rate the likelihood at 90.
Reduce 20 = 70.
60% of that expectation is 6k.
So you will be happy if you get a 6k hike, even happier if 8k, and joyous if 10k.
Principal–Agent Problem
In many cases, we have to depend on other people to get our job done.When depending on others, don’t expect the same result as if you did it yourself.
If you want the best result, do it yourself.
If you hire someone, accept at least 30% less efficiency.
Keep Reminding Yourself
Nobody and nothing is perfect. And the world you see is also an imperfect one. So, if you are expecting anything or anyone to be perfect, ask yourself: is this realistic?
Negative Expectation
This means imagining you don’t have what you already have.
Then realize how blessed you are.
This practice builds gratitude, joy, and resilience to false expectations and makes us happy, grateful, and free from the damage of wrong expectations. We become prepared for upcoming troubles, yet free from worries and fears.
Read other blogs on this website, practice by yourself as instructed, and eventually you will have a greater mind. Wish you all the best.
