Speak Calmly, Live Peacefully: The Role of Mindful Communication

Your words and the way you deliver them affect not only your relationships but the whole emotional environment in which you live. Examples of research show that speaking with mindfulness, or Intentional Awareness, and Calmness has a positive effect on your stress levels, relationship quality, and overall sense of Peace. Learning to communicate calmly and consciously will change both your Internal Experience and how you interact With The World around you in Mighty Ways!

Many individuals do not realise the powerful relationship between how they communicate and their Quality of Life. The way you communicate can create ripples throughout your Nervous System, Emotional Regulation, and Long-Term Well-being.

What is Mindful Communication?

Mindful Communication simply means paying conscious attention to how you choose to say something (communication patterns) and what you want to say (what you communicate). Mindful Communication is not simply incorporating polite words; mindful communication also incorporates Tone, Timing, Body Language, and the Message’s Intention.

The Essence of Mindful Communication has three critical components: Presence is the state of pure focus on the person with whom you are communicating; Purposeful is using your Mind instead of reacting to stimuli around you; Compassionate is considering how your words impact both yourself and the person(s) with whom you are communicating.

Reactive Communication Impacts Mental Health

Many people communicate with a “reactive” mindset throughout their lives and do not realise how much of a negative effect this type of communication has on their mental health and overall quality of life.

Reactive communication involves the immediate reaction to something (emotional triggers) without stopping or thinking about the impact of your words, actions, or tone of voice on yourself or those around you.

Examples of reactive communication can be:

Speaking while upset or agitated without filtering through your thoughts

Cutting off other people before they finish their statement

Defending yourself when you feel your comments have been misunderstood or misinterpreted

Using the words “always” and “never” as part of an argument

Raising your voice to communicate clearly or emphasise a point

 

Each occurrence of reacting with reactive communication results in increased physiological stress on the autonomic nervous system. Physiologically, this means that your heart rate goes up, levels of cortisol go up, and your autonomic nervous system is in a heightened state of activity, which can take hours to return to baseline. Research indicates that one episode of anger-based reactive communication can increase cortisol levels in the body for several hours after the episode has occurred if no mindfulness practices were utilised during this event.

The Core Principles of Mindful Communication

Several fundamental principles guide effective mindful communication practices. Understanding and applying these principles transforms how you navigate conversations.

The Pause Principle of Communication

Creating a pause (for a moment), between stimulus (input) and response (output) is likely the most powerful form of communication available to anyone. When faced with an emotionally charged stimulus, use a pause before you speak (even if it’s only three seconds), in order to break automatic reactions.

The short time gap created by the pause gives your prefrontal cortex an opportunity to function properly and will help you avoid being taken over by emotional impulses created by your amygdala. During the pause, you can assess whether what you intend to say aligns with your values and intentions, or whether you are reacting emotionally.

The Clarity Principle of Mindful Communication

Mindful communication focuses on clarity, not emoting; therefore, be clear about what you actually want to say. Are you releasing emotion (frustration) or expressing a need for something? What is it that you want to share with others? Is it a need, or is it just something you want to vent about? After you know what message you want to communicate, break it down to its very essence (core message) and communicate it as simply as possible.

Questions for clarity:

• What is this message?

  
  

• What do you want to achieve from this conversation?

  
  

• Are you trying to work through a problem, or are you venting?

  
  

• Is it possible to express this idea in the fewest clear/simple words?

  
  

Mindful communication involves certain techniques you can use daily so that they eventually become second nature to you.

S.T.O.P.

The S.T.O.P. method is an easy way to break the cycle of our automatic, knee-jerk responses to situations:

S – Stop: Before you say anything, take a moment to reflect – especially when you feel angry or upset.

T – Take a Breath: Take one or two deep inhalations and exhalations. The act of inhaling and exhaling will stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, allowing your body to relax.

O – Observe: Pay attention to your emotional state, physical sensations, and the current dynamics of a given conversation.

P – Proceed: Once you’ve completed the first three steps, respond to the situation with intention, based on your values and principles, and not your immediate reactions to emotions and physical sensations.

This 4-step method takes less than ten seconds but allows enough of a pause for you to communicate mindfully, and not just reactively, to whatever is happening in your life.

The Lower and Slower Technique

If you’re in an intense conversation, deliberately drop your volume and speak at a slower-than-normal pace. This technique yields a variety of benefits at the same time.

When we speak at a slower than normal pace, our physiological system utilises deeper inhalations, which subsequently promote relaxation throughout the nervous system. When we speak at a slow speed, we have more time for careful selection of words. When we speak at a slower-than-normal pace, others (even if unconsciously) respond in a similar manner.

Practice this technique during non-stressful conversations. Observe the difference between how an ordinary discussion is affected by speaking in a calmer manner and at a much less rapid rate of communication. By practising this technique regularly, you’ll build up your neural pathways to access and utilise this method when you really need it.

Validation Before Responding

The first thing you should do before saying anything is to validate what you have heard from the person you are talking with, which is a demonstration that you have heard them, as opposed to waiting for your turn to speak.

Examples of simple validation statements include:

1. “I understand you feel frustrated that…”

2. “This situation is impacting you because…”

3. “From what I’m hearing, you are looking for…”

4. “From what you have said, you have feelings about…”

Validation does not require you to agree with what has been communicated; it only requires that you acknowledge that you have received a message from the other person. This simple act decreases defensiveness and increases opportunities to have productive dialogue significantly.

Mindfulness in Challenging Dialogue

Challenge conversations are situations in which mindfulness as a communicative means to an end is tested most intensely. They often require (in addition to the baseline methods of the Mindful Communication format) the use of additional methods for the successful execution of strategies.

Clarifying Intentions Prior to Having a Challenging Conversation

Prior to engaging in a challenging conversation, take two minutes to clarify what you want to accomplish and how you will react when the other person behaves. Write down the intent if possible. Examples of intent might be: “My intention is to remain calm and listen completely.” or “My intent is to express my needs in a non-attacking manner.” or “I will stay respectful of both of us even when we disagree.”

When You Use “I” Statements

Using “I” statements instead of “you” accusative statements can dramatically alter the way a conversation unfolds. A statement like “You don’t listen” will provoke a defensive response, while a statement like “When I’m interrupted, I feel not listened to” represents the same thing without assigning blame to the individual.

The formula for an “I” statement is “I feel [emotion] when I [specific behaviour or event] because I [impact due to that behaviour/event].”

Using the “I” statement framework allows you to communicate from your viewpoint, rather than making judgments about the character or intent of another person. The focus is on communicating clearly and directly to the other individual, rather than making blanket statements and generalising their behaviour.

Knowing When It’s Time To Take A Break

Mindfully communicating involves knowing when to stop and take a break. By taking a pause during moments of heightened emotion, arguable conditions, or repetitive exchanges between yourself and another Party, you demonstrate a level of bias and strength instead of avoidance.

Some ways to express your desire for a break include:

To communicate this message, when you notice that the conversation you are having is not productive and the conversation environment has become emotionally charged, you can take a step back. Taking a step back allows you to have time to cool off if you are unable to maintain a rational thought process due to how you feel emotionally.

Honouring and respecting the value of a conversation, while acknowledging that both individuals currently do not possess the emotional ability to have a healthy discussion, demonstrates the strength of establishing healthy boundaries and acknowledgement of emotional limitations.

Creating a Way of Practising Mindful Communicating:

To develop a habit of practising mindful communication all the time requires you to actively practice the habits associated with this communication style and to also have self-compassion when you are learning the new ways of communicating.

Start with one of your low-stakes relationships, where you can experiment with the different techniques of mindful communication, but without the strong emotions of a close relationship. Examples may be coworkers, neighbours, or acquaintances.

Begin to use the Pause Principle when communicating with that person each time for one week. Simply take a few seconds of silence before you respond, after they have spoken to you. You should notice how much better the exchanges become for both of you when you create that time for pauses.

Next week, you will begin to use another mindful communication technique, along with the pause. Use the technique you’re using at that time, and then add another, rather than trying to change the way you’re communicating in a day.

Weekly practice progression:

Week 1: Pause before every response

Week 2: Use conscious awareness of your tone and the volume of your voice

Week 3: Validate your partner’s experience before expressing your own opinion about the experience.

Week 4: Use “I” statements to express concerns.

Keep a simple journal to document your progress. You should outline instances of your radio communication becoming automatic, as well as when you reverted to your previous patterns or communication styles. Being aware of when your mindful communication strategies become automatic will help you learn and grow without being critical of yourself.

After these mindful communication strategies become automatic, expand them to your other relationships. As time goes on, the use of mindful communication will become your way of communicating with everyone.

Conclusion:

Calm speaking and mindful communication are not simply social skills; they are paths to achieving peace within one’s daily life. By choosing to communicate with compassion and consciousness, rather than being reactive and responding emotionally, one changes the relationship between self and others as well as how one experiences the world around them and interacts with others.

Mindful communication requires commitment and effort when practising it regularly; however, the benefits of mindful communication far exceed the time and energy spent learning and practising these skills. The reduction of stress, development of deeper relationships, increased ability to regulate one’s emotions, and increased respect for oneself will exist naturally as a result of practising mindful communication consistently.