Understand what’s really going on in your mind when you talk to others
“A conversation can make war, a conversation can make peace.”
— Malavika Varadhan, TEDx Speaker
Why Conversation Matters
No doubt, conversation is one of the most important things in our life. A good conversation with your old friend can heal you instantly, and a bad, heated argument with your boss can ruin the whole day. A conversation can change your world in no time.
This article is not about the traditional ways of how you can be good at conversations. Rather, it is focused on analyzing what usually goes on in your mind about conversation. Figuring them out will make you fearless about conversations, and you will have good conversations effortlessly, with fun and joy.
Why Conversation Matters
No doubt, conversation is one of the most important things in our life. A good conversation with your old friend can heal you instantly, and a bad, heated argument with your boss can ruin the whole day. A conversation can change your world in no time.
This article is not about the traditional ways of how you can be good at conversations. Rather, it is focused on analyzing what usually goes on in your mind about conversation. Figuring them out will make you fearless about conversations, and you will have good conversations effortlessly, with fun and joy.
Replaying the Day: What Happens After a Conversation?
Let’s imagine the day when you started your day being late to work, caught by your boss at the office. A heated argument happened. What happened after that?
In most cases, first, you decide to quit the job. Then you realize it’s not possible — you need this job. You slowly start to calm down, your anger drops little by little, and you begin regaining your senses. You realize this should not have happened. It could have been different if you hadn’t done that, or had done that differently.
Suddenly, a fear crosses your mind — what if they fire you from your job? You start to think whether you should apologize to your boss or not. You can’t decide. All these thoughts come to your mind not sequentially, but in a haphazard mixture. You become puzzled and stressed. And if you don’t do anything extra wrong, after a couple of days or some more time, everything becomes normal again — just as it was.
Emotional Reactions to Words
On another day at the office, you were happy, but in a moment, your colleague hurt you by saying something very personal. You automatically started to think, why did she do that to me? She was very close to me. You want everything to be normal, but you can’t become normal. The more you try, the more the upset feelings grow stronger.
Say, on the way, you met your childhood best friend and had a very good conversation. What happened after that?
Aaaahaaaaaaaa, it was great.
We enjoyed it a lot. Nothing special happened — but it was great.
Conversations That Heal
You have been feeling upset for the last couple of months. Then you met a really good mentor. What happened after that?
First, you did not believe in his authenticity. You had doubts. When you found yourself clearing out all doubt, you believed him. A calm serenity engulfed you, and peace was flowing through you.
The Power of Conversation in Thought
When we sit quietly, we observe most of our thoughts come from the conversations we had with people. If the conversations were full of praise and validation, we feel happy. If the conversations are full of criticism, we become hostile.
If we have a good conversation with friends, we feel energetic. If we have arguments, we feel drained. When someone says something wrong in an inappropriate way, our ego gets hurt. These hurt feelings and thoughts wander in our head for a long time. We cannot help but become angry and upset.
Quote to Reflect On
“Emotions are like dusty water in a tub. If you see water full of dust in a tub, don’t stir or fight with it. Just leave it as it is. With time, the dust will settle and the water will become clear.”
— Haemin Sunim, The Things You Can See Only When You Slow Down
You Become Your Thoughts — And Your Conversations
As we know, thoughts create our thinking and shape our actions and life. Slowly, we become what our thoughts are. If most of our thoughts come from the conversations with the people we interact with, we slowly shape our lives according to the people we interact with.
You become what your thoughts are. You become what your habits are.
It is said: You are the average of the people you meet every day.
Common Questions That Haunt the Mind
You went to meet a person or attended a get-together? What thoughts were wandering in your mind? Here are a few common ones:
- Am I doing appropriately?
- Is everybody appreciating me?
- Is everybody noticing me?
- Is everybody noticing the body parts I don’t like?
- Was my talking appropriate? Did they mind?
- Was their talking appropriate? Should I react?
- Was I trying to convince everyone? Trying to become popular?
- Trying to become a huge performer?
- Trying to prove myself as a great personality?
These are the usual thoughts that go on in our mind when we talk to anyone. Sometimes they’re on the surface, but often lie in the subconscious, hidden deep within.
Ask yourself — are these thoughts even necessary?
Maybe you’ll think yes. Maybe not. Either way, don’t rush to find an answer. Hold the question for a while. Let time answer it. In the meantime, try letting go of the need to be right — and the expectation that others should always be right too.
Fear, Overthinking & Missed Opportunities
A well-arranged get-together can dissolve boredom, give you energy to return to your goals, and bring joy to your life. A meeting with an influential person can change your world in no time.
But fear often ruins this. We overanalyze our past and future conversations. We become hard on ourselves to avoid mistakes. That makes us more fearful when calling or meeting new people. And slowly, we lock the door to opportunities we could have embraced by simply talking.
Don’t Let Overanalysis Steal Joy
Overanalyzing conversations brings no fruit. Over-concern about them doesn’t either. In fact, it often:
- Destroys the joy of human connection
- Slows you down in meeting and calling people
- Makes you rigid instead of relaxed
But we forget: everyone has flaws. If we can love people — and ourselves — a get-together can become enjoyable, warm, and memorable.
The Mindset Shift: Embrace Imperfection
It’s okay if you have some flaws in your conversations. Say to yourself:
“Congratulations, you noticed!”
There will always be areas for improvement. There is no finish line.
You’ll get better and better every day. Each conversation makes you better. Learn communication skills through books, seminars, and courses. Be fearless in conversation. And find true happiness in connecting with the people you want to connect with.
